Modern dating and relationships can feel like a minefield. There’s always a chance that the person you’re with will waste your time, start to show toxic traits, or hurt you emotionally in a hundred different ways. Watching for modern red flags in relationships is important to protect yourself when it’s just not meant to be.
Most of us know about ghosting and gaslighting, and how to look out for the signs of cheating. But what are some of the less obvious red flags that might hint at deeper issues or incompatibility? We’ll take a look at a few of those here.
When Novelty Matters More than Connection
It’s fun to try new things, right? After all, variety can be the spice of life! There’s a reason why starting a new romance can be incredibly thrilling, and also why so many of us enjoy keeping up with what’s trending, from movies to fashion to music.
But this normal desire for the new and exciting becomes the norm, it’s good to take a pause and assess the situation. It’s one thing to have a “thrill-seeking” side where your partner wants to check that skydiving adventure off their bucket list – it’s another to catch your SO cheating when the “novelty of you” wears off.
If you’re starting to notice that the fun and excitement seem to be replacing opportunities for authentic connection, it’s time to start asking some serious questions or head for the hills altogether.
Disrespecting Differences
“Opposites attract,” right? Well…maybe. It can be rewarding to date someone who comes from a different background than you, including how they were raised, their religion, or even their politics. It can help you grow as a person, and learn to appreciate different ways of living and seeing the world, just like it can be fun to try out new things with the person you’re with. But just like it’s important to be on the lookout for thrill-seeking novelty, it’s good to take an inventory of what you also share in common to make sure there’s a baseline for compatibility.
The more different we are — our outlook on life, such as our personal beliefs, interest in raising a family, where we want to live, work/life balance, or anything else — the more important it is that we continue to stay curious in respectful and supportive ways. After all, it’s a rude awakening to only realize that you were tiptoeing around your different culinary tastes and cultural practices after moving in together or getting married, as one couple learned the hard way.
Similarly to this, make sure you are communicating in a way that makes sure you both feel heard and respected. Are you asking for your needs to be met directly, or are you getting passive-aggressive and frustrated that you wish your partner “just knew?”
There’s an Imbalance in the Relationship (And it’s Chronic)
There’s a fine line sometimes, though, between wishing your partner had ESP, and feeling like you’re becoming your significant other’s nanny. There are some things that your partner should be mindful of when it comes to being just that: your partner.
Here we mean if you feel like the relationship is always one-sided, where one is giving more than the other. Are you constantly checking in with your S.O., while the other constantly seems distant? Do you feel like your partner is ignoring your emotional well-being while you’re walking on eggshells over theirs? Are you living together with your person, and perhaps also raising kids together, and you’re finding that you’re constantly the one doing far more of the chores? If you’re just starting to get to know this person, how do they talk about their ex – and are they constantly referring to them as a “nag?”
Or – is it the reverse, that your S.O. is constantly checking up on you to the point that it’s starting to feel invasive and like they don’t trust you, rather than supportive and loving? If you are feeling like your partner is starting to become possessive or controlling, it’s especially important to pay attention to the warning lights and get ready to cut yourself loose.
Consider Red Flags With the Green
One final parting thought: we have spoken a bit about warning signs and things that should give you pause in either a new relationship or one that you’re in but may be worth reassessing.
What we want you to think about are the “green flags” as well: what you do value in a partner. For example, do they support you in your goals? Do they treat you the same privately as they do in public? Do they follow through on their commitments, and do helpful things just because they need to be done, and not because you asked? Are they kind to other people and animals, without expecting anything in return?
These and more are all positive things! Don’t be too quick to write off your relationship because your partner raised a red flag. Nobody’s perfect, and it’s often worthwhile to see what issues are workable to salvage things.